The Author Guy Improves Art and Architecture

(Originally posted Oct 09, when I was in Paris researching Sacré Bleu)

You can’t throw a stick in Paris without hitting a Gothic Cathedral (which, by the way, they are totally touchy about, so if you can control yourself, don’t throw a stick while in Paris), and at each cathedral, there is an array of gargoyles, which were, back in the day, used to direct rainwater away from the stone walls.

This is how they are done. They just sit there, doing nothing, now that most cathedrals have been equipped with gutters and downspouts.

In my new, improved version, gargoyles will remain concealed in the wall of the church until someone walks by, then, spring-loaded, they will pop out of the wall and say something to freak people out, as the Church has always intended.

Which brings me to lion sculpture. Pretty much any library, park, or museum is supposed to have a lion sculpture in front of it. This is basically to keep cat people from freaking out because they’ve actually left the house. Here’s your basic, non-threatening lion sculpture.

Well, then they decided to improve the lions by adding elements to make them seem more important.

First they added children, because that just seemed like a good idea for some reason.

Then someone thought, “Know what would look good on that lion? Wings? Breasts? What? Yes, breasts…

Well, first, neither is a really good idea, but there are numerous reasons why wings are a bad idea, in addition to the chance of being hit by a bloody wildebeest haunch on the day you decide to wear your white linen suit out to the park.

Another bad side effect…

But we could ride them? Because lions love it when you sit on them!

But, as if wings on lions weren’t a bad enough idea, someone came up with this:

Then you have this kind of thing happening…

Not an improvement, that’s all I’m saying.
Next time, “Where they keep their dead guys and the worlds slowest cat toy.”


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